Cause
–Effect 1
Name : Karina Febri Susanti
Class : 5
NIM : 1420302197
Date : 28 April 2016
Effect does cell phone use have on
teenager
Cell phone is one of modern tecnologies that are popular
right now.Each level have had cell phone include teenager. The price offered of
a cell phone is quite affordable and cell phone is also equipped with features
like the internet, games, music, video, camera that support technological
development. Only by a cell phone, we can get a lot of information through the
features of cell phone which is called internet. The internet is the most
updated source of information. Among teenagers, cell phones is used as a multi
function tool of communication. Because of that, they may use it in positive
and negative way. It depends on the individual itself. However, nowadays,
teenagers are very prone to negative impacts. These are negative effects from
cell phone to teenager such as : on education, on their style, and also can
make teenager become criminal.
First for education,program in this cell phone can make
teenager forget about their study.They don’t give proper time to study and waste
their time in playing game,listening music,and writing also reading message on
their cell phone.Which spend their whole lot of time texting, calling, using
internet, and also using any kind of communication application provided by cell
phone rather than study.So that, make teenager happy and forget about duty.
Beside on education these cell phone changed the style from
teenager. In the past children went to school bringing books, but now instead
they bring cell phone as if the cell phone is obligatory goods they have to
bring, whether they really need it or just take it as a style of their lives to
keep confident. In other occasion they follow the style of western world which
is find style dress, act, and others through internet on their cell phone.Furthemore
cell phone can change the style of teenager when they talk with parents or
older people.They prefer to talk or communicate on cell phones than talk with
people around them.
Ultimately, cell phone can make teenager become criminal,
because on cell phone many feature to get information through internet to
search how to be criminal to get profit and money. In addition they can falsify
their identity to deceive others or hacker identityother people.
Finally, cell phones have a great influence in teenager. But
apart from that, they also have detrimental effects if they are used
excessively.However, being glued to cell phones would cause negative impacts on
education, on style, and become criminal.So, it is depend on teenager used.
Dwi Arif Wibowo 1420302158
ReplyDeleteHi Miss Karina, I have advice for you. Hopefully it will improve your writing skill. J
1. Hmmm, I think your title should be “The effect does cell phone use have on teenagers”
2. “Cell phone is one of modern technologies” should be changed to “The cell phone is one of the modern technologies”
3. "Each level have had" should be changed to "Each level has had"
4. "the features of cell phone" should be changed to "the features of the cell phone"
5. "cell phones is used as"should be changed to "cell phones are used as”
6. "these cell phone changed the style from teenager." should be changed to "these cell phones changed the style from the teenager."
7. After full stop, you forgot to give space in some sentences.
8. "In addition" you should give coma.
9. "identityother" you forgot give space.
10. "it is depend" you should write "it depends"
I’m not perfect, correct me if I’m wrong. ;)
Musyarofah Noviyani (1420302159)
ReplyDeletehi karina, id like to comment your essay. :)
1. Paragraph 1 : "communication. Because of" i think, because isnt allowed in the beginning of the paragraph. "positive and negative way. It depends" i think, just let the sentence flow without (.) dot. "However, nowadays, teenagers" ehat do you mean? there are 2 commas :)
2. paragraph 2 : "First for education,program" i think, just let no comma. "rather than study.So that," i think, so isnt allowed on the beginning of the sentence.
3. paragraph 4 : "In addition they can" i think, you can give comma after In addition.
4. last paragraph : "in teenager. But apart from" "riminal.So, it is depend" i think, but and so arent allowed on the beginning of the sentence.
:) :D
Hello Karina ! :)
ReplyDeleteYour essay is good, but there are some mistakes here.
First, on paragraph 1, you wrote " music, video, camera that support", but I think it should be "music, video and camera that support". It will be better if you use the word "and".
Second, you wrote "Only by a cell phone", but I think the word "by" should be replaced by "with".
Then, still on paragraph 1, you should write " a lot of informations" because it is plural and "cell phones is used" it should be "cell phones are used".
Last, as I know, the words such as "so" and "because" are prohibited to write at the beginning of sentence, so you shouldn't write that words again at the beginning of sentence for your next essays.
Thank you ! ^__^
Hana Suci Anggraeni (1420302175/E)
ReplyDeleteHi karin :) your essay is interesting, but there are some mistakes, here they are:
first, "cell phones is used" supposed to be "chell phones are used". you have to be careful about plural and singular form.
second, the word "which" is not appropriate if you put it at the beginning of the paragraph.
third, the statement "and writing also reading message on their cell phone" supposed to be "writing and reading message on their cell phone". you have to try to make your sentence effective and not excessively long.
that's all, keep up your good writing.
thank you.
andreas indra bagus (1420302178)
ReplyDeletemaybe i can't give your writer comment as best as another comentator hahaha . but you forget to give space in some vocabulary. another comentator give many comments and i feel it's enough . KEEP SPIRIT !!
Dian kusumawati (1420302192)
ReplyDeleteHello karina,
Your essay is very good and interesting, but don't forget to add space after dot(.). I found some mistake about this one.
"The internet is the most..." should be changed to "internet is the most...".
Thank you. CMIIW
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAntika Esty S(1420302161/E)
ReplyDeleteHi Karina, i'd like to comment for ypur essay
1. "These are negative" what do you mean "these are" or "there are"
2. "This cell phone can make" should be "makes"
3. "Cell phone can make teenager" should be "makes"
4. "It is depend" should be "it depends"
Thank you :)
Hello Karina!!!
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry but any words that you must change because that’s wrong words, such as:
In the first paragraph, tecnologies I think it should be technologies. “… right now.Each level…” you forgot gave space there. cell phones is used, I think without s there.
In the second paragraph, education,program you forgot gave space there.
I think you have many problems with space here.
Thank you Karina…